Thinking of Mom

I am a mom to two wonderful girls.  I am so happy to have that role in their lives and to have each of them as my daughters.  This weekend is Mother's Day. My girls take great care make a special day for me.  Unfortunately, I am not always so gracious.   Sometimes I am sad or mad or just plain frustrated. 

Mother's Day is a bittersweet holiday for me.  My mom died over 12 years ago.  Amid the Hallmark hoopla and the FTD flower ads and cooking shows about making mom breakfast and tv specials about great moms, I sometimes struggle.

Since I lost my mom, I have felt that I belong to an awful "club" of motherless daughters.  It was one that none of my friends belonged to (at the time, I was only 27).  It was something that people were uncomfortable to talk about, for fear they would make me sad.  And I was sad.   Losing my mom changed my life, as I am sure it changes each person's life in unique and different ways.

My mom and me, sometime in the fall of 1992, in the Colorado mountains

In many ways I am stronger, in some I am more vunerable.  In some ways I am more shut off and others more bold.  It is hard to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it.  My life is divided into two halves:  life with mom, life without mom.  My life before included getting an education, getting married, becoming a homeowner, and teaching.   My life after includes becoming a mom, not teaching, opening a business, closing a business, volunteering (a lot) and finding my way.

Since that time, some of my friends have "joined" my club.  And I mourn with them.  I have met other people who lost a parent way too soon.  And on this weekend that celebrates motherhood, there is little to acknowledge the mothers who aren't here. So, I take a moment to pause.  I think about my mom.  I think about friends who are in my club. I take a moment to be sad.  I don't want a "sorry you don't have a mom" card.  I am not sure what I want - perhaps just a quiet moment to remember. (If you want to see some of my memories, look at this post)

So if you're a member of my club, I am sorry.  Be gentle with yourself.  It's okay to be sad, to remember, and it is also ok to be happy and celebrate.  She would have wanted that.